Courage Through Cancer….The Journey Begins
Having suffered from a number of physical health conditions throughout my life, including an autoimmune thyroid condition, fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue/ME, crippling anxiety, depression, addiction, hormonal, digestive & sleep issues, I felt that I’d had my fill of sickness. All that I wanted was wellness! I said to the Universe….that’s enough for this lifetime, thank you very much!
However, its always through some of our darkest, most challenging moments that our greatest growth & transformation occurs. Those dark nights of the soul can be brutal but emerging out the other side never felt more liberating! Not really possible to have this realization at the time though when we are right in the middle of it! Swearing seems far more appropriate & an absolute desperation to escape it all by any means necessary!!
Through many, many years of deep, inner healing I know today that all of these conditions can be overcome. Maybe not in the time frame that we want or wish for but according to Divine will & timing. I wished many times to wave a magic wand and for all these health issues to disappear but life is here to teach us many things, of that I’m sure.
I remember thinking….I would give anything not to be in my physical body so I could avoid enduring some of the toughest moments in my life. However, what I understand today, is that its an experience we must go through on a deep soul level, for the spiritual awakening it brings within our energetic body is profound. It allows us to connect with the truth of who we are and what it is to be human.
Little did I know that after everything else I’d experienced that it would be part of my soul’s growth to experience cancer too!
I received my triple negative breast cancer diagnosis 6 years ago now, it feels like a lot longer as so much more evolution and transformation has happened since then.
In the lead up to the actual diagnosis, I could already feel a lump in my breast but I left it. Choosing instead to ignore, deny & pretend it wasn’t there. It makes me think of that phrase….ignorance is bliss. But is it? Is that really true? Its certainly not a belief that I hold today. Today, and for many years now, I want and choose to ‘face’ the truth rather than ‘run’ from it. Gone are the days pretending that everything’s ok when in reality that couldn’t be further from what’s happening right in front of my eyes! I don’t want to be blind, ignoring my intuition and the guidance of my heart, not listening to that quiet voice within. Fear can really keep us trapped, paralysed even, and I feel so much compassion for that part of myself that was so afraid of what I might discover. I was utterly terrified, believing that I wouldn’t be able to survive it or get through it. Up to this point it was a miracle I had survived through everything else and embraced so much healing in the process. But to go through cancer as well?!! That seemed unimaginable. I thought it could destroy me and tear my whole world apart.
Through a series of further divinely orchestrated interactions, I found myself connecting with people who were going through breast cancer & those that had already been through it. I felt this couldn’t be a coincidence based on what I already knew inside, that the lump in my breast was cancerous. So finally I went to get it checked.
To hear the ‘c’ word is utterly terrifying, its the stuff nightmares are made of when everything in that moment stops, as if time stands still…..as you try to understand and process what the Oncologist is saying & take it all in. I remember when the Oncologist did my biopsy before we got confirmation of the diagnosis, he was able to show me the cells on the slide. I felt like I was back in science class! I knew then that they didn’t look like ‘happy cells’. I felt so sad inside because I desperately wanted every single cell in my body to be happy, to vibrate with love & these weren’t.
I also wanted to protect my husband in that moment from what I knew was to come, he had been through enough already & I didn’t want him to walk by my side through this too! However, this man who I love, respect & admire so much stood by me again as we navigated our way through another of life’s extremely uncomfortable twists & turns. Love is many things but him just being there as a beacon in the darkness; strong, dependable, steadfast is something I still cherish dearly to this day; that silent, unwavering strength & determination to overcome anything that lies in our path together. When someone embarks on a cancer journey, everyone is along for the ride. It doesn’t just affect the person going through it, those nearest and dearest find it impossibly hard too.
Navigating through the decisions were some of the toughest moments in my life & of course, only I could make them! You know those times when you just wish someone would tell you what to do but ultimately the final decision lies with you and only YOU!
The recommendation from the Oncologist to have immediate surgery & go full force with chemo & radiation was confronting. I wasn’t sure if this was something that was right for me. So I sought a second opinion in the UK & practiced incredible patience as I waited for the recommendation to come through. Instead of 2 weeks, it ended up taking 6; it was an unimaginable, excruciatingly long wait but during that time it allowed me to process so much of my crippling doubt & fear about what to do. I had a crisis of faith during this time. It had taken a great deal of soul searching over many years to develop a belief in a power greater than myself that felt good, which truly resonated on a spiritual level. And when the diagnosis came, I was angry. I felt that after everything I had already been through with my health, now this?!! Are you f*cking kidding me?!! And then on top of that, I couldn’t hear the voice of my intuition to guide me. I felt so abandoned & alone, completely lost. It brought me to my knees; I cursed, cried, kicked, screamed, sobbed & shouted at my Higher Power so many times until there was nothing left but then the silence & peace came. My Higher Power was there for me throughout; listening, giving me time & space to process what I needed to, loving me through my pain & torment. It felt like I was in the middle of a dark storm, at the mercy of the elements but by the end of it, I was in the eye of the storm. I could finally hear what I needed to do, what would be best for Emma & the storm started to fade away. There are times when its possible to share things with family and others when we need someone who’s not so closely connected. There are people in my circle of trust who allowed me to get to that place of clarity when the sh*t hit the fan and some tough decisions needed to be made. Their support and guidance was invaluable because they knew I had to be the one to figure it out, to find the truth about what the next steps needed to be. I am a huge fan of guiding people to their guidance. The next mountain to climb was then trusting myself to follow through on my decision!
Look out for my next blog on Courage Through Cancer…..The Journey Continues
However, its always through some of our darkest, most challenging moments that our greatest growth & transformation occurs. Those dark nights of the soul can be brutal but emerging out the other side never felt more liberating! Not really possible to have this realization at the time though when we are right in the middle of it! Swearing seems far more appropriate & an absolute desperation to escape it all by any means necessary!!
Through many, many years of deep, inner healing I know today that all of these conditions can be overcome. Maybe not in the time frame that we want or wish for but according to Divine will & timing. I wished many times to wave a magic wand and for all these health issues to disappear but life is here to teach us many things, of that I’m sure.
I remember thinking….I would give anything not to be in my physical body so I could avoid enduring some of the toughest moments in my life. However, what I understand today, is that its an experience we must go through on a deep soul level, for the spiritual awakening it brings within our energetic body is profound. It allows us to connect with the truth of who we are and what it is to be human.
Little did I know that after everything else I’d experienced that it would be part of my soul’s growth to experience cancer too!
I received my triple negative breast cancer diagnosis 6 years ago now, it feels like a lot longer as so much more evolution and transformation has happened since then.
In the lead up to the actual diagnosis, I could already feel a lump in my breast but I left it. Choosing instead to ignore, deny & pretend it wasn’t there. It makes me think of that phrase….ignorance is bliss. But is it? Is that really true? Its certainly not a belief that I hold today. Today, and for many years now, I want and choose to ‘face’ the truth rather than ‘run’ from it. Gone are the days pretending that everything’s ok when in reality that couldn’t be further from what’s happening right in front of my eyes! I don’t want to be blind, ignoring my intuition and the guidance of my heart, not listening to that quiet voice within. Fear can really keep us trapped, paralysed even, and I feel so much compassion for that part of myself that was so afraid of what I might discover. I was utterly terrified, believing that I wouldn’t be able to survive it or get through it. Up to this point it was a miracle I had survived through everything else and embraced so much healing in the process. But to go through cancer as well?!! That seemed unimaginable. I thought it could destroy me and tear my whole world apart.
Through a series of further divinely orchestrated interactions, I found myself connecting with people who were going through breast cancer & those that had already been through it. I felt this couldn’t be a coincidence based on what I already knew inside, that the lump in my breast was cancerous. So finally I went to get it checked.
To hear the ‘c’ word is utterly terrifying, its the stuff nightmares are made of when everything in that moment stops, as if time stands still…..as you try to understand and process what the Oncologist is saying & take it all in. I remember when the Oncologist did my biopsy before we got confirmation of the diagnosis, he was able to show me the cells on the slide. I felt like I was back in science class! I knew then that they didn’t look like ‘happy cells’. I felt so sad inside because I desperately wanted every single cell in my body to be happy, to vibrate with love & these weren’t.
I also wanted to protect my husband in that moment from what I knew was to come, he had been through enough already & I didn’t want him to walk by my side through this too! However, this man who I love, respect & admire so much stood by me again as we navigated our way through another of life’s extremely uncomfortable twists & turns. Love is many things but him just being there as a beacon in the darkness; strong, dependable, steadfast is something I still cherish dearly to this day; that silent, unwavering strength & determination to overcome anything that lies in our path together. When someone embarks on a cancer journey, everyone is along for the ride. It doesn’t just affect the person going through it, those nearest and dearest find it impossibly hard too.
Navigating through the decisions were some of the toughest moments in my life & of course, only I could make them! You know those times when you just wish someone would tell you what to do but ultimately the final decision lies with you and only YOU!
The recommendation from the Oncologist to have immediate surgery & go full force with chemo & radiation was confronting. I wasn’t sure if this was something that was right for me. So I sought a second opinion in the UK & practiced incredible patience as I waited for the recommendation to come through. Instead of 2 weeks, it ended up taking 6; it was an unimaginable, excruciatingly long wait but during that time it allowed me to process so much of my crippling doubt & fear about what to do. I had a crisis of faith during this time. It had taken a great deal of soul searching over many years to develop a belief in a power greater than myself that felt good, which truly resonated on a spiritual level. And when the diagnosis came, I was angry. I felt that after everything I had already been through with my health, now this?!! Are you f*cking kidding me?!! And then on top of that, I couldn’t hear the voice of my intuition to guide me. I felt so abandoned & alone, completely lost. It brought me to my knees; I cursed, cried, kicked, screamed, sobbed & shouted at my Higher Power so many times until there was nothing left but then the silence & peace came. My Higher Power was there for me throughout; listening, giving me time & space to process what I needed to, loving me through my pain & torment. It felt like I was in the middle of a dark storm, at the mercy of the elements but by the end of it, I was in the eye of the storm. I could finally hear what I needed to do, what would be best for Emma & the storm started to fade away. There are times when its possible to share things with family and others when we need someone who’s not so closely connected. There are people in my circle of trust who allowed me to get to that place of clarity when the sh*t hit the fan and some tough decisions needed to be made. Their support and guidance was invaluable because they knew I had to be the one to figure it out, to find the truth about what the next steps needed to be. I am a huge fan of guiding people to their guidance. The next mountain to climb was then trusting myself to follow through on my decision!
Look out for my next blog on Courage Through Cancer…..The Journey Continues
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